So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
