you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
