I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He keeps bees of course he's weird
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
