pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
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We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
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You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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