If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
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drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
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He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?