Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
