sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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