tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
