The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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