He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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