Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while