Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
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I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
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You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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