I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
