Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
