Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Barsexuality is the new black.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
