i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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