I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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