The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
