and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
That's how pantless uber rides happen
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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