Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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