My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
