So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
