He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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