in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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