So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My friends, they love my intelligence
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
