The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
