allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
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