i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
now i know why i became what i already was.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
