a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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