Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
