I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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