just come out here and I will go home with you...
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
