Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.