i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
of course. lets lasso hookers.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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