If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
