I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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