hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
