haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i was born a porn star she said
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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