hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just gift wrapped bread.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
