Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
