my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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