I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
