We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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