i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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