On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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