just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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