I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
