Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
