i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
