my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
