I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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