oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
