Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
